Wednesday, November 19, 2008

New Perspective

So, this post may be a long one, but I have learned something in the last couple days. I have known this principles before, but every once and a while I need a kick in the pants to remind me.
I have realized is that I am not alone in this struggle--I not only have friends who share my struggle of getting pregnant but I have a Father in Heaven who knows what is in store for me.
Last night at the beginning of choir the director asked each of us to close our eyes and think of something personal that we wanted to accomplish at practice that night. I thought about focusing on perfecting my part in the choir and then I rethought that and decided that I really just wanted to feel the spirit. I'm not sure why but I have just been having a really hard time this past week with wanting what I don't have. Well, during the spirtual thought this lady shared her personal experience of losing her 14 year old daughter to drowning this past summer. She cried really hard through the whole thing and said that she was especially touched and enlightened when, during this past confrence, she heard a talk by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. He spoke of the support and comfort that God gives us through angels and that most importantly-WE ARE NEVER ALONE. I'd like to just paste what he said:
"My beloved brothers and sisters, I testify of angels, both the heavenly and the mortal kind. In doing so I am testifying that God never leaves us alone, never leaves us unaided in the challenges that we face. “[N]or will he, so long as time shall last, or the earth shall stand, or there shall be one man [or woman or child] upon the face thereof to be saved.”13 On occasions, global or personal, we may feel we are distanced from God, shut out from heaven, lost, alone in dark and dreary places. Often enough that distress can be of our own making, but even then the Father of us all is watching and assisting. And always there are those angels who come and go all around us, seen and unseen, known and unknown, mortal and immortal.
May we all believe more readily in, and have more gratitude for, the Lord’s promise as contained in one of President Monson’s favorite scriptures: “I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, … my Spirit shall be in your [heart], and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.”14 In the process of praying for those angels to attend us, may we all try to be a little more angelic ourselves—with a kind word, a strong arm, a declaration of faith and “the covenant wherewith [we] have covenanted.”15 Perhaps then we can be emissaries sent from God..."
Needless to say, I bawled through the whole thing. I had received an answer to my silent prayer and desire to feel the spirit--that even when I was feeling sorry for myself and upset at the cards I had been dealt by the Lord, He still blessed and comforted me with His spirit. It is interesting that while I was sitting there among 130 other people I felt totally and completely at one with the Lord. I have no doubt that He has a plan for me. I have no doubt that His plan is better than what I would plan for myself. I have no doubt that he has sent angels to comfort me and that I will continue to be comforted whenever I need it. I feel empowered to endure this trial and now I only hope that I can show my faith and trust in the Lord as I continue to struggle with infertility.
As my friend Katy put it, I am going to use this time to BLOSSOM and not hybernate. I don't want to waste-away during these years that God has given me to grow and develop without the responsibility of children. I am going to flourish! Of course, every bloom has to be cut back and pruned every once and a while, but it comes back stronger than it was before. So, I am not saying that I think that I will never cry about infertility again or that I won't get upset in the future, but I will not let it bring me down for long. I am going to be pruned and dunged ;) and come back with more faith and a stronger, more upright stance. This is my time to grow! If the only lesson I learn during this struggle with infertility it how to be closer to the Lord, than it will all be worth it. I feel very blessed and I need to put it in writing so that I don't forget it in the future.
When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed. When you are discouraged thinking all is lost
Count your many blessings angels will attend, help and comfort give you to your journey's end!

1 comment:

Katie said...

Thank you for sharing your experience at choir yesterday. Aren't those quiet witness's powerful? Even in a room full of people you were able to feel a personal connection to The Lord. I am so grateful for those experiences. I often tear up as well when I feel the spirit and for a while it felt strange to cry when no on elese was- then I realized that through my emotions the Holy Ghost is witnessing to me the truth I need. Just as Elder Holland said- you are never alone.