Okay, so the consultation went really well yesterday! The nurse said that, at this point, we have no real reason to worry that we won't be able to conceive. The next step is for Clinton to get a new semen analysis done because his previous was from November of 2006. I'm supposed to be starting Clomid on my next cycle, and on day 21 of my next cycle I will be going in to get my Progesterone levels checked to make sure that there is nothing wrong with my ovulation. If all goes well with both his test and mine then that is good. If not, then we'll continue testing.
Now, the confusing part: As I stated before I felt really good about pursuing this route of fertility treatment but now I am second guessing to what extent or for how long I should be doing this, because I also feel like I should finish school. I'll be done with my associates this summer or fall and then I'll be going back into the cosmetology program which I'll complete in about 12 months. So, that is about two more years!! I don't have a way to skip the associates and go straight into the cosmetology program, because the school I used to attend won't be federally accredited until this summer (aka, can't afford to pay for it w/o student loans), so I thought I'd just get my associates in the mean time.
I feel so confused because I have a desire to have children, but I feel like I should focus on school, too. I don't know if I want kids because I'm the only one in my circle of friends who doesn't have kids and therefore I feel a bit of pressure, or if I can't get rid of the desire to have children because it is really what I am supposed to be pursuing!?
I've been thinking and praying about it a lot lately and have been trying to decide what would make me happy. Above all other things, what will ultimately make me the happiest in this life? I think it would be to have a degree-something that was for me, and have children...but I want them both now! I don't want to wait two more years before we even begin this whole process of starting a family! I feel like I've had to wait so long already and the thought of at least two more years makes my stomach do somersaults. But I am trying really hard to understand what the Lord would have me do. I know that He is trying to teach me and bless my life and I feel like I am butting against it at times.
I need some advice. I don't like that infertility is such a major part of my life. I want to be able to focus on ME and not be constantly reminded that I don't have kids. How do I get over that? How do I change my thoughts from "They have kids. I don't" to something more positive like "I don't have kids and that's okay!"? If I just didn't have the desire to have children I could wait two more years with no problem! Is there a way to make that go away? I want to get out of this schlump and start living MY life, whatever it may be. Any suggestions on how to find it?
Thanks so much for your support. I hope that I'm not bothering anyone with these posts, but believe it or not, they are helping me to overcome this trial and become/find the better person inside of me.
Thanks!