Monday, November 24, 2008

Day 1 of my Reflective Experiment

Okay, so if you missed my last post (all 4 of you readers out there) I mentioned that for every day during the next week I was going to post at least one blessing or insight that I have received because of my trial with infertility.
So here is day 1:
I think one thing that has been a major blessing in my life (in regards to not yet having children) is the time that I have had with Clinton--as just a couple. Although we are both more than ready for children to come at anytime, we have both been able (for the most part) to enjoy just being the two of us. It is still really nice to sleep in or drop everything and go get some ice cream or go see a movie. It has also been especially nice to not have the extra responsibility and (dare I say) strain of having a child to take care of while we learn to take care of our marriage. Yes, I know that couples are successful in learning how to deal with each others annoyances while raising children, but in retrospect, it has been quite nice to work out our differences without the addition of a screaming baby in the background. I feel like I am in a much better place, maturity-wise and in my relationship with my husband, than I was 3+ years ago when we first started trying to conceive. I'm sure I have a lot more growing to do, but now I feel much more prepared and a fair bit wiser, too. I feel like our home will be a wonderful place for a baby to come, not that it wouldn't have been 3+ years ago, just better.
It has been such a blessing to have one-on-one time with Clinton for these 5.5 years we've been married. It has been fun to look back and see how much we have grown both individually and as a couple. I am thankful that I was not asked by Father to bear the burden of never being married. I at least have a wonderful spouse who is so supportive of me and is there to give me a hug whenever I need one. I love him so much! Although I look forward with great anticipation to the day that he becomes a daddy, right now I can enjoy and be thankful for each and every day that I have him all to myself! What a blessing!!!

Sunday, November 23, 2008


In Relief Society today the lesson was on the talk that President Monson just gave titled, "Joy in the Journey!" The teacher handed out little quotes to each person in the class and referred to them as our fortune cookie. I glanced at it and then became distracted by other things in the room. She began her lesson and asked us to ponder the message on our fortune. I finally looked down and began to read my message. It was like I was the only one in the room with God and he was speaking directly to me. The message on my fortune was this:

Attitude is an important part of the foundation upon which we build a productive life. In appraising our present attitude, we might ask: "Am I working to become my best self? Do I set worthy and attainable goals? Do I look toward the positive in life? Am I alert to ways that I can render more and better service? Am I doing more than is required of me?"
Remember, a good attitude produces good results, a fair attitude fair results, a poor attitude poor results. We each shape our own life, and the shape of it is determined largely by our attitude. (Ensign, May 1981, p.86, M. Russell Ballard)

I am in the refiners fire. An ugly piece of rock does not become beautiful or reach its fullest potential without having to go through the refiners fire. It is during that painful process that positive changes happen. There are times that I feel like the fire is too hot and I want out but it is during those times that a quick splash of refreshment is sent to comfort and remind me of why I'm in that fire in the first place--to be perfected. I'm sure there are other possible ways the Lord could go about perfecting me, but at this time he has asked me to bear the trial of infertility. It is very difficult and at times very uncomfortable, but this is the outlet the Lord has chosen in which to refine me. This is my fire and He is my refiner. What comfort I receive in knowing that He is directing my life! He knows what I need to go through, what struggles I need to face in order to become the absolute best I can become. He knows!
I have no control over this part of my life and I have no idea how long I will be asked to bear this burden (I hope not much longer), but I do have complete control over my attitude. It is my positive attitude that helps me to be in tune with His spirit and provides me these moments of insight where I feel encouraged and uplifted--like I can go one a little while longer.
I am grateful for my trials in the fact that they bring me closer to my father in heaven. I need to show him my gratitude by having a positive attitude. So, my challenge for this next week is to look on the bright side of things. Each day I am going to post at least one thing that I have learned or list a blessing I have received because of this trial. There is so much to be thankful for and I am going to work hard to be more aware of my many blessings!!

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

New Perspective

So, this post may be a long one, but I have learned something in the last couple days. I have known this principles before, but every once and a while I need a kick in the pants to remind me.
I have realized is that I am not alone in this struggle--I not only have friends who share my struggle of getting pregnant but I have a Father in Heaven who knows what is in store for me.
Last night at the beginning of choir the director asked each of us to close our eyes and think of something personal that we wanted to accomplish at practice that night. I thought about focusing on perfecting my part in the choir and then I rethought that and decided that I really just wanted to feel the spirit. I'm not sure why but I have just been having a really hard time this past week with wanting what I don't have. Well, during the spirtual thought this lady shared her personal experience of losing her 14 year old daughter to drowning this past summer. She cried really hard through the whole thing and said that she was especially touched and enlightened when, during this past confrence, she heard a talk by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. He spoke of the support and comfort that God gives us through angels and that most importantly-WE ARE NEVER ALONE. I'd like to just paste what he said:
"My beloved brothers and sisters, I testify of angels, both the heavenly and the mortal kind. In doing so I am testifying that God never leaves us alone, never leaves us unaided in the challenges that we face. “[N]or will he, so long as time shall last, or the earth shall stand, or there shall be one man [or woman or child] upon the face thereof to be saved.”13 On occasions, global or personal, we may feel we are distanced from God, shut out from heaven, lost, alone in dark and dreary places. Often enough that distress can be of our own making, but even then the Father of us all is watching and assisting. And always there are those angels who come and go all around us, seen and unseen, known and unknown, mortal and immortal.
May we all believe more readily in, and have more gratitude for, the Lord’s promise as contained in one of President Monson’s favorite scriptures: “I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, … my Spirit shall be in your [heart], and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.”14 In the process of praying for those angels to attend us, may we all try to be a little more angelic ourselves—with a kind word, a strong arm, a declaration of faith and “the covenant wherewith [we] have covenanted.”15 Perhaps then we can be emissaries sent from God..."
Needless to say, I bawled through the whole thing. I had received an answer to my silent prayer and desire to feel the spirit--that even when I was feeling sorry for myself and upset at the cards I had been dealt by the Lord, He still blessed and comforted me with His spirit. It is interesting that while I was sitting there among 130 other people I felt totally and completely at one with the Lord. I have no doubt that He has a plan for me. I have no doubt that His plan is better than what I would plan for myself. I have no doubt that he has sent angels to comfort me and that I will continue to be comforted whenever I need it. I feel empowered to endure this trial and now I only hope that I can show my faith and trust in the Lord as I continue to struggle with infertility.
As my friend Katy put it, I am going to use this time to BLOSSOM and not hybernate. I don't want to waste-away during these years that God has given me to grow and develop without the responsibility of children. I am going to flourish! Of course, every bloom has to be cut back and pruned every once and a while, but it comes back stronger than it was before. So, I am not saying that I think that I will never cry about infertility again or that I won't get upset in the future, but I will not let it bring me down for long. I am going to be pruned and dunged ;) and come back with more faith and a stronger, more upright stance. This is my time to grow! If the only lesson I learn during this struggle with infertility it how to be closer to the Lord, than it will all be worth it. I feel very blessed and I need to put it in writing so that I don't forget it in the future.
When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed. When you are discouraged thinking all is lost
Count your many blessings angels will attend, help and comfort give you to your journey's end!

Monday, November 17, 2008

Thanks for your support!

I just wanted to thank all of you (all 5 of you who have access to this emotion-ridden blog) for your support. I am hoping to return the favor!

Like I said in my first post, this is pretty much going to be my journal for infertility, so it could get pretty personal at times...hope you don't mind hearing me ramble. I feel better already just getting my feelings down in writing.

Thanks again for your empathy and your kind words--we can all use them.