Saturday, January 17, 2009

I don't get it.

Okay, so the consultation went really well yesterday! The nurse said that, at this point, we have no real reason to worry that we won't be able to conceive. The next step is for Clinton to get a new semen analysis done because his previous was from November of 2006. I'm supposed to be starting Clomid on my next cycle, and on day 21 of my next cycle I will be going in to get my Progesterone levels checked to make sure that there is nothing wrong with my ovulation. If all goes well with both his test and mine then that is good. If not, then we'll continue testing.
Now, the confusing part: As I stated before I felt really good about pursuing this route of fertility treatment but now I am second guessing to what extent or for how long I should be doing this, because I also feel like I should finish school. I'll be done with my associates this summer or fall and then I'll be going back into the cosmetology program which I'll complete in about 12 months. So, that is about two more years!! I don't have a way to skip the associates and go straight into the cosmetology program, because the school I used to attend won't be federally accredited until this summer (aka, can't afford to pay for it w/o student loans), so I thought I'd just get my associates in the mean time.
I feel so confused because I have a desire to have children, but I feel like I should focus on school, too. I don't know if I want kids because I'm the only one in my circle of friends who doesn't have kids and therefore I feel a bit of pressure, or if I can't get rid of the desire to have children because it is really what I am supposed to be pursuing!?
I've been thinking and praying about it a lot lately and have been trying to decide what would make me happy. Above all other things, what will ultimately make me the happiest in this life? I think it would be to have a degree-something that was for me, and have children...but I want them both now! I don't want to wait two more years before we even begin this whole process of starting a family! I feel like I've had to wait so long already and the thought of at least two more years makes my stomach do somersaults. But I am trying really hard to understand what the Lord would have me do. I know that He is trying to teach me and bless my life and I feel like I am butting against it at times.
I need some advice. I don't like that infertility is such a major part of my life. I want to be able to focus on ME and not be constantly reminded that I don't have kids. How do I get over that? How do I change my thoughts from "They have kids. I don't" to something more positive like "I don't have kids and that's okay!"? If I just didn't have the desire to have children I could wait two more years with no problem! Is there a way to make that go away? I want to get out of this schlump and start living MY life, whatever it may be. Any suggestions on how to find it?

Thanks so much for your support. I hope that I'm not bothering anyone with these posts, but believe it or not, they are helping me to overcome this trial and become/find the better person inside of me.



Emily said...

Oh Dani, how I feel your pain! There have been so many times I have thought, gosh, if I weren't LDS and had this deep-rooted desire to have children this sure would be a lot easier of a trial. If only I could convince myself that life is still fulfilling without children I sure would be happier. But alas, it's a God-given desire that is part of our nature...and it's never going away. And I suppose we should be grateful.
As for the confusion, I get you there too. We felt SO good about starting treatments and then a few months in I had a panic attack about whether this was really the best thing and what I really ought to be focusing on. What helped us was remembering that generally, if the Lord has given you a positive confirmation in the past, go with it and trust it even when doubts pop in. (Usually that is the adversary.) If it turns out that it becomes the wrong thing to do, the Lord will figure out a way to stop you before you get too deep in. And, the Lord doesn't use doubt and fear as a teaching tool.
Anyway, this is getting really long for a comment...but know I'm praying for you!

Carrie said...

Emily said some wonderful things in her comment- The Lord doesn't use doubt and fear- our human nature creates those and the adversary exploits that, BUT the Lord will teach us HOW to get through and move beyond the doubt and fear. That doesn't mean it is easy and when you have fertility issues trying to decide when to have children; doubt and fear become magnified! Suddenly it seems like you have to PICK THE PERFECT TIME to have kids. It feels like you can't leave it up to the Lord, but the secret is... You have to leave it up to the Lord and the real secret- THERE IS NO PERFECT TIME TO HAVE KIDS. If you wait for the perfect time, it will never happen. Some times will seem better than others but remember we cannot see the big picture. All you can do is pray and ask the Lord as you move through this process.

A couple of thoughts that you can do with what you will... You and Clinton are happily sealed in the temple, active in the gospel, working toward good goals, have the support of family and are willing to welcome a baby into your home- a baby would be an additional blessing for you, a righteous wish. Sounds like it would be okay to have a baby if that is what worked out. Also just because you have a baby does not mean you can't go to school. You would have to think about the logistics, but it is not necessarily an either/or question. But school will always be there when you are ready. BUT you should pursue school and build your life while you wait to build your family. I know from personal experience that it seems like you can't do both, but you can. And you will be healthier as you do.

And as for being jealous of your friends who have kids...they occasionally have pangs of envy for you and your ability to sleep, exercise and have grown up conversations, so enjoy those while you can. And anyone who makes you feel bad because you don't have kids yet...tell'm you are still young and Heavenly Father has a plan for you.

And He does Dani. He knows whats best for your family and He has an amazing plan for you. You will learn and grow through this trial and be blessed in ways you can't see. Try to go to the temple as much as you can through these uncertain times and counsel with Clinton. Counsel with the Lord. Ask the Lord to help you overcome negative feelings. It may take awhile, but you will be blessed.

And I love the scripture- Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings and He shall direct thy path- I'm sure I am paraphrasing, but if you ask, you will be lead.

love you Dani!!

Kevin Phair said...

Wow! How grateful you should be for having such supportive and amazing friends (referring to the last two comments)! The last two comments were so well worded that I don't have much else to say! I ditto the advice that you can continue school no matter what. Even if you take a break from it for a little while there is no reason why you can't go back! I would hate for you to decide to pursue school and wait two more years for children and then regret it later. I don't foresee you regretting the decision to pursue the route of fertility now, no matter how trying it may seem currently. When it works for you, you will be all the more grateful for the years of trial and will love that baby even more!! The never ending doctors appointments, failed treatments, and anxious days/months/years will all be worth it when you're holding a baby in your arms! Know that Heavenly Father desires for all of us to be parents and raise children in righteousness. He knows that you and Clinton will be amazing parents when that opportunity finally arrives, however that opportunity presents itself. We're praying for you too and I also ditto the before stated envies of sleep, sleep, sleep, adult conversations, and sleep :) Love you!! -Alyssa

The Woolner Family said...

Dani, Carrie made a great comment. Sometimes I wish I could just up and go to a movie or have dinner and not have to pay double for food and a sitter, or have money to buy cute clothes instead of diapers. Enjoy this time with you and Clinton. The Lord knows what he is doing. Perhaps you have this time to make your marriage rock solid before the pressure of med school and children are before you. I would advise to keep on the path you are now. The Lord will tell you if you need to alter your course. Why not pursue school until you physically can't anymore? Work on the having children too. And if they come in the midst, then at least you will never regret getting as far in school as you did. A final note, I found that the Lord truly did make my infertility burden light when I left it all to Him. Let Him worry for you. We have found from experience that He will make "Beauty for ashes" from your life.

Emily said...

Hey so, I was just saying the other day that it really bugs me when people say "I know how you feel" and I just want to say "no you don't!" And then I realized that's exactly what I said to you! Everybody's story is different...and well...I just know that I'm kinda hypersensitive to what people say these days so sorry if that totally bugs you!

Carrie said...

Danielle, I'm Allie's cousin and I just noticed your blog on her blogroll. I didn't read all of your entries because I feel like I'm reading about my own life and I don't need to read about THAT again. :)
I think we'd be amazed at how many women out there have infertility/endometriosis/unexplained infertility problems.
We've been through it, tried all of it, and now we're in the process of applying for adoption.
Before we applied for adoption we went through the same cycle it seems that you are going through right now. If you want to chat or find out what we did (or didn't do) and why, just let me know. You can probably find my email through Allie. :)