Infertility Irritations

I got it!...I think I'm getting it...I'm not sure, but I'm trying my best!

2009-01-21T18:35:00.001-08:00

Well, first of all I would like to say THANK YOU to all of you! You have no idea how much each of you has blessed my life! I had no idea what kind of support I had been missing out on these last 3.5 years as I've wallowed in self-pity and kept all of this built up inside of me. I thought that no one would understand what I was going through because "they all already have kids" but that is not it at all! As my sister-in-law Terri related to me today, pain is pain and all of us know what that feels like and, no matter what, we can all be there for each other in some way. I can't believe what LOVE and COMFORT I have received from my friends and family. I am so sorry that I underestimated each of you and I want you to know that that "yucky" part of me is gone. I feel so thankful. I have so much to learn!

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! for all of your prayers. I have felt them. I don't recall a time in my life when I can say that I have experienced that before. It has been amazing to actually feel your prayers.

I have learned so much and I know there is still much to learn. I hope that you can continue to encourage me and help me through this and I hope to be able to do the same for each of you.

Love,
Danielle

A funny thing happened on the way to the pharmacy

2009-01-20T18:04:00.000-08:00

So, if my calculations are correct, my period is supposed to start this weekend so I made a trip to Wal*Mart yesterday to fill my prescription for Clomid. I have talked to several friends who have used it, as well as my fertility nurse, and my doctor--I am well versed on what it is for and how to use it. However, since I have never actually used it before I had to have the consultation with the pharmacist when I picked it up.

So, I walk up to the window and the pharmacist asks if I've ever taken the medication before. I answer no (thinking to myself...isn't this why we are having this conversation in the first place??) And then (while reading directly from the instruction sheet) he says, "So, um...take this on days 3-7 of your month." I'm looking at him like, is this guy for real, my month? So I clarify, "my cycle" and he mumbles, "yes, your...um...cycle". I'm trying so hard not to laugh in the guys face as he stumbles through this consultation. He then asks me if I know what Clomid is for. (Holding back laughter and with a look on my face that says, "are you for real?") I say that I do. He then neatly folds up the prescription papers, looks at me and says, "Well, um...good luck." I couldn't hold it back any longer-I just turned as fast as I could and started laughing! What the heck kind of consultation was that??? I have ordered some pretty embarrassing prescriptions in the past and have never had a pharmacist act so shy or uncomfortable before. It was truly hilarious!

Anyway, I thought I'd share my funny moment!

I don't get it.

2009-01-17T14:33:00.000-08:00

Okay, so the consultation went really well yesterday! The nurse said that, at this point, we have no real reason to worry that we won't be able to conceive. The next step is for Clinton to get a new semen analysis done because his previous was from November of 2006. I'm supposed to be starting Clomid on my next cycle, and on day 21 of my next cycle I will be going in to get my Progesterone levels checked to make sure that there is nothing wrong with my ovulation. If all goes well with both his test and mine then that is good. If not, then we'll continue testing.
Now, the confusing part: As I stated before I felt really good about pursuing this route of fertility treatment but now I am second guessing to what extent or for how long I should be doing this, because I also feel like I should finish school. I'll be done with my associates this summer or fall and then I'll be going back into the cosmetology program which I'll complete in about 12 months. So, that is about two more years!! I don't have a way to skip the associates and go straight into the cosmetology program, because the school I used to attend won't be federally accredited until this summer (aka, can't afford to pay for it w/o student loans), so I thought I'd just get my associates in the mean time.
I feel so confused because I have a desire to have children, but I feel like I should focus on school, too. I don't know if I want kids because I'm the only one in my circle of friends who doesn't have kids and therefore I feel a bit of pressure, or if I can't get rid of the desire to have children because it is really what I am supposed to be pursuing!?
I've been thinking and praying about it a lot lately and have been trying to decide what would make me happy. Above all other things, what will ultimately make me the happiest in this life? I think it would be to have a degree-something that was for me, and have children...but I want them both now! I don't want to wait two more years before we even begin this whole process of starting a family! I feel like I've had to wait so long already and the thought of at least two more years makes my stomach do somersaults. But I am trying really hard to understand what the Lord would have me do. I know that He is trying to teach me and bless my life and I feel like I am butting against it at times.
I need some advice. I don't like that infertility is such a major part of my life. I want to be able to focus on ME and not be constantly reminded that I don't have kids. How do I get over that? How do I change my thoughts from "They have kids. I don't" to something more positive like "I don't have kids and that's okay!"? If I just didn't have the desire to have children I could wait two more years with no problem! Is there a way to make that go away? I want to get out of this schlump and start living MY life, whatever it may be. Any suggestions on how to find it?

Thanks so much for your support. I hope that I'm not bothering anyone with these posts, but believe it or not, they are helping me to overcome this trial and become/find the better person inside of me.

Thanks!

I need your prayers!!

2009-01-15T17:42:00.001-08:00

So, I have my consultation with the fertility nurse tomorrow morning where we will be discussing my fertility options, my health history, and the steps that we will be taking over the next little while. I have been looking forward to this appointment but I have come across something that is a little bit discouraging and am in need of all the prayers I can get! I'll talk more about it tomorrow after my appointment, because perhaps I am worrying about nothing, but in the mean time I need my faith strengthened. I know that the Lord's will will prevail and I am just hoping that I can feel and understand what He would have us do. If you don't mind keeping us and our situation in your prayers, I would really appreciate it!

Thanks so much!! We appreciate all of you!

New Steps

2009-01-11T21:44:00.001-08:00

So, I went to the doctor this last week to talk about endometriosis. I went in to the appointment expecting to have to fight for lapriscopy (see endometriosis post) and the doctor (after a little bit of convincing) said that she would be totally willing to do the lapriscopy. She said, however, there were other ways of dealing with the pain of endometriosis (birth control...kinda defeats the purpose) and I informed her that we had actually been trying to conceive for over three years. She asked, "Well, do you want to control the pain by lapriscopy? You may or may not have it. Or would you like to pursue the route of getting pregnant?"

....

Now, I have to preface this, because I went into this appointment with a prayer in my heart that whatever needed to happen-would happen. I was expecting to come out of the appointment with a scheduled surgery.

....

I asked what option I had, and she offered to put me on Clomid. Clomid is a fertility drug that stimulates and increases the potency of ovulation. She said that there is no reason Clinton and I have not conceived yet and that if I would like to go a less invasive route first, she would put me on Clomid. I'm still not sure why, but I decided to go with the Clomid option. I don't really have any problems with my ovulation, however my cycle is long (usually about 42 days).

When you've dealt with infertility for a long time you begin to become calloused to anything actually working, so I'm not saying that I am going to get pregnant off this, however, I do feel that this is the step that Heavenly Father would have us take at this time. Perhaps it is just one more thing that I can cross of my list of "have-dones". Perhaps I just need to see that I really have done everything that I need to do before I do something more invasive like lapriscopy. Perhaps this will be the answer we've been waiting for for so long.

So, this is where we are. Now is the time of my life that I become a regular at the doctor's office and get over my anxiety with needles...because there will be lots in my future!

I feel SO BLESSED though. I have been in limbo for so long, not being able to afford to do any of this (Yeah student loans and living in my parents' basement!) and now I finally can. I feel like I am moving forward. I feel like changes are happening and looking back seems to be so short. Again, I have no idea where this will lead, if anywhere, but I know that we have received direction from the Lord and that He will bless us in whatever way is right.

Update

2009-01-11T21:16:00.001-08:00

Okay, so I have decided to open up this blog to anyone. I must warn that it is my page to release any anger, frustration or heartache that I might endeavor during my struggles with infertility. This blog is also a place for me to list and expound upon all the blessings and wonderful moments of hope and encouragement that I experience as I learn from infertility.

I would like for all of my friends who have anything to say to say it. There will be times when I need to hear that everything is okay and that you are there for me. There will be times when I need for you to listen and be patient. There will be times when I need a hug and some chocolate.

The purpose of me opening up this blog (it has been private for some time) is so that I can write what I feel, have it read and inform those around me of where I am in my life. I feel that for so long I have distanced myself from all of my friends who have children because I have felt like a bit of an outsider, but I want this blog to serve as a link, an informer of why I act the way I do sometimes in hopes that it can bring us closer together.

Infertility is hard. It is hard to watch others receive what I have tried so hard to get, but have only been found wanting even more. I want my friends to know how much I love them. I want them to know that I have appreciated the baby shower invites and am sorry that I have not been able to attend all of them (those are one of the hardest places for me to be.) However, I am not asking for pity. I am asking for patience and understanding as I try to learn and grow through this trial. I feel I have come far already, but there is still room to grow. I feel that part of that growth is opening up about all of this instead of keeping it bottled up inside. If you choose to keep reading my posts, please don't be offended or upset if I write something personal, I need your support.

I think I have said everything I wasn't planning on saying, so I should probably end this post here. Thank you for reading and for taking the time to help me learn. I hope I can teach you something, too.

Love,

Danielle

Endometriosis?

2008-12-16T10:28:00.000-08:00

Well, a fair bit has happened these last few weeks. During Relief Society a few weeks ago, the lesson was on trials in our lives. The teacher asked us to share something personal from our lives that we have had to deal with and I kept feeling like I should say "infertility", but I didn't want to. It is such a personal thing and I really don't like when strangers offer their uninformed advice like "Oh, honey, there's always adoption." or "You're so young. Just enjoy the time you have." or "When you least expect it it will happen." or "You know, once you adopt you'll get pregnant like that!" Anyway, I kept feeling like I should say something but I ignored it. However, my friend Staci raised her hand and said, "I've had to deal with endometriosis." She went on to share some of the struggles of infertility, pain and frustration and how they have affected her life, but how she has since been able to help other women recognize and overcome their endometriosis. I was compelled.
Long story short (unless you want the details) I left a message for Staci to call me. It took her a few days to get the message and by then I was working on finals and thought that I probably didn't have it anyway and so I let it go. She called me a few days later and said that she couldn't get my name out of her head and that I needed to call her. Needless to say I did and we were on the phone for over an hour talking about the signs and symptoms of endometriosis. I seem to have many of the symptoms and perhaps those of you who have not been properly diagnosed (like myself...stinkin' Kaiser!) have it to. I would encourage each of you who have any of these symptoms to go to your doctor and have them test you for endometriosis (it can only be diagnosed by laproscopy so if you've had anything but that and they said you don't have endometriosis, insist on further diagnostics.)
The symptoms that I have and you may have too are:

Very painful periods (severe cramping, like contractions during labor).
Bloating.
Major mood swings (I get uncontrollably witchy and emotional the two weeks before my period starts).
My lower back hurts a couple days before my period begins.
I get chronic yeast infections.
Headaches.
Fatigue.
Infertility.

I just thought that I would submit to each of you the possibility of endometriosis. I don't know about you, but I look forward to being diagnosed with it, because at least then there is a possible reason as to why we haven't been able to conceive and why my periods are SO TERRIBLE. Anyway, get checked out. I have an appointment on the 6th of January and I am hoping for the best (in this case that I have it and can get the laproscopy to get it removed).

Also, my friend said that 80% of women have endometriosis, only 20% are diagnosed and for those who are diagnosed 20%-40% have infertility. Interesting, no? Anyway, please pursue this route if you haven't already. Love you all!

Day 1 of my Reflective Experiment

2008-11-24T18:00:00.000-08:00

Okay, so if you missed my last post (all 4 of you readers out there) I mentioned that for every day during the next week I was going to post at least one blessing or insight that I have received because of my trial with infertility.
So here is day 1:
I think one thing that has been a major blessing in my life (in regards to not yet having children) is the time that I have had with Clinton--as just a couple. Although we are both more than ready for children to come at anytime, we have both been able (for the most part) to enjoy just being the two of us. It is still really nice to sleep in or drop everything and go get some ice cream or go see a movie. It has also been especially nice to not have the extra responsibility and (dare I say) strain of having a child to take care of while we learn to take care of our marriage. Yes, I know that couples are successful in learning how to deal with each others annoyances while raising children, but in retrospect, it has been quite nice to work out our differences without the addition of a screaming baby in the background. I feel like I am in a much better place, maturity-wise and in my relationship with my husband, than I was 3+ years ago when we first started trying to conceive. I'm sure I have a lot more growing to do, but now I feel much more prepared and a fair bit wiser, too. I feel like our home will be a wonderful place for a baby to come, not that it wouldn't have been 3+ years ago, just better.
It has been such a blessing to have one-on-one time with Clinton for these 5.5 years we've been married. It has been fun to look back and see how much we have grown both individually and as a couple. I am thankful that I was not asked by Father to bear the burden of never being married. I at least have a wonderful spouse who is so supportive of me and is there to give me a hug whenever I need one. I love him so much! Although I look forward with great anticipation to the day that he becomes a daddy, right now I can enjoy and be thankful for each and every day that I have him all to myself! What a blessing!!!

Change

2008-11-23T13:29:00.001-08:00

In Relief Society today the lesson was on the talk that President Monson just gave titled, "Joy in the Journey!" The teacher handed out little quotes to each person in the class and referred to them as our fortune cookie. I glanced at it and then became distracted by other things in the room. She began her lesson and asked us to ponder the message on our fortune. I finally looked down and began to read my message. It was like I was the only one in the room with God and he was speaking directly to me. The message on my fortune was this:

Attitude is an important part of the foundation upon which we build a productive life. In appraising our present attitude, we might ask: "Am I working to become my best self? Do I set worthy and attainable goals? Do I look toward the positive in life? Am I alert to ways that I can render more and better service? Am I doing more than is required of me?"
Remember, a good attitude produces good results, a fair attitude fair results, a poor attitude poor results. We each shape our own life, and the shape of it is determined largely by our attitude. (Ensign, May 1981, p.86, M. Russell Ballard)

I am in the refiners fire. An ugly piece of rock does not become beautiful or reach its fullest potential without having to go through the refiners fire. It is during that painful process that positive changes happen. There are times that I feel like the fire is too hot and I want out but it is during those times that a quick splash of refreshment is sent to comfort and remind me of why I'm in that fire in the first place--to be perfected. I'm sure there are other possible ways the Lord could go about perfecting me, but at this time he has asked me to bear the trial of infertility. It is very difficult and at times very uncomfortable, but this is the outlet the Lord has chosen in which to refine me. This is my fire and He is my refiner. What comfort I receive in knowing that He is directing my life! He knows what I need to go through, what struggles I need to face in order to become the absolute best I can become. He knows!
I have no control over this part of my life and I have no idea how long I will be asked to bear this burden (I hope not much longer), but I do have complete control over my attitude. It is my positive attitude that helps me to be in tune with His spirit and provides me these moments of insight where I feel encouraged and uplifted--like I can go one a little while longer.
I am grateful for my trials in the fact that they bring me closer to my father in heaven. I need to show him my gratitude by having a positive attitude. So, my challenge for this next week is to look on the bright side of things. Each day I am going to post at least one thing that I have learned or list a blessing I have received because of this trial. There is so much to be thankful for and I am going to work hard to be more aware of my many blessings!!

New Perspective

2008-11-19T18:27:00.000-08:00

So, this post may be a long one, but I have learned something in the last couple days. I have known this principles before, but every once and a while I need a kick in the pants to remind me.
I have realized is that I am not alone in this struggle--I not only have friends who share my struggle of getting pregnant but I have a Father in Heaven who knows what is in store for me.
Last night at the beginning of choir the director asked each of us to close our eyes and think of something personal that we wanted to accomplish at practice that night. I thought about focusing on perfecting my part in the choir and then I rethought that and decided that I really just wanted to feel the spirit. I'm not sure why but I have just been having a really hard time this past week with wanting what I don't have. Well, during the spirtual thought this lady shared her personal experience of losing her 14 year old daughter to drowning this past summer. She cried really hard through the whole thing and said that she was especially touched and enlightened when, during this past confrence, she heard a talk by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. He spoke of the support and comfort that God gives us through angels and that most importantly-WE ARE NEVER ALONE. I'd like to just paste what he said:
"My beloved brothers and sisters, I testify of angels, both the heavenly and the mortal kind. In doing so I am testifying that God never leaves us alone, never leaves us unaided in the challenges that we face. “[N]or will he, so long as time shall last, or the earth shall stand, or there shall be one man [or woman or child] upon the face thereof to be saved.”13 On occasions, global or personal, we may feel we are distanced from God, shut out from heaven, lost, alone in dark and dreary places. Often enough that distress can be of our own making, but even then the Father of us all is watching and assisting. And always there are those angels who come and go all around us, seen and unseen, known and unknown, mortal and immortal.
May we all believe more readily in, and have more gratitude for, the Lord’s promise as contained in one of President Monson’s favorite scriptures: “I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, … my Spirit shall be in your [heart], and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.”14 In the process of praying for those angels to attend us, may we all try to be a little more angelic ourselves—with a kind word, a strong arm, a declaration of faith and “the covenant wherewith [we] have covenanted.”15 Perhaps then we can be emissaries sent from God..."
Needless to say, I bawled through the whole thing. I had received an answer to my silent prayer and desire to feel the spirit--that even when I was feeling sorry for myself and upset at the cards I had been dealt by the Lord, He still blessed and comforted me with His spirit. It is interesting that while I was sitting there among 130 other people I felt totally and completely at one with the Lord. I have no doubt that He has a plan for me. I have no doubt that His plan is better than what I would plan for myself. I have no doubt that he has sent angels to comfort me and that I will continue to be comforted whenever I need it. I feel empowered to endure this trial and now I only hope that I can show my faith and trust in the Lord as I continue to struggle with infertility.
As my friend Katy put it, I am going to use this time to BLOSSOM and not hybernate. I don't want to waste-away during these years that God has given me to grow and develop without the responsibility of children. I am going to flourish! Of course, every bloom has to be cut back and pruned every once and a while, but it comes back stronger than it was before. So, I am not saying that I think that I will never cry about infertility again or that I won't get upset in the future, but I will not let it bring me down for long. I am going to be pruned and dunged ;) and come back with more faith and a stronger, more upright stance. This is my time to grow! If the only lesson I learn during this struggle with infertility it how to be closer to the Lord, than it will all be worth it. I feel very blessed and I need to put it in writing so that I don't forget it in the future.
When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed. When you are discouraged thinking all is lost
Count your many blessings angels will attend, help and comfort give you to your journey's end!

Thanks for your support!

2008-11-17T11:17:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to thank all of you (all 5 of you who have access to this emotion-ridden blog) for your support. I am hoping to return the favor!

Like I said in my first post, this is pretty much going to be my journal for infertility, so it could get pretty personal at times...hope you don't mind hearing me ramble. I feel better already just getting my feelings down in writing.

Thanks again for your empathy and your kind words--we can all use them.

Love,

Dani